Eating Out and Wine, An Essential Guide: Part I, Ordering A Wine

This is a checklist of what to do when ordering wine when eating out.

Know what your price range is. If you want to spend in the $40 to $50 range then don't get talked into paying more. You should look out for places that have a few really reasonably priced wines and then have a bunch of wines that are priced a lot higher; the scam here will be that they will run out of the low priced stuff and try to push something out of your price range on. A decent medium range restaurant will often have house wines that they sell by half litre and litre, those could be alternatives if you're on a budget. Also if they are out of something and the waiter tries to push something in a higher price range, then you discretely point to the wine you originally picked and basically you're telling them what your budget is. A good waiter will now the score and won't be thick head and perhaps let the game out if your with someone. If they do, then scratch the place from list of places you'll eat at because the service sucks.
When you pick the wine the waiter will bring the bottle and show it to you. You are supposed to look at the bottle and indicate that yes this is the bottle you picked. The reason they do this is that obviously they can make a mistake so you as the consumer are supposed to tell them this. Remember the wine is going to stored in an areas could be poorly lit. For example, some restaurants don't have extensive wine cellars so they store them in their basement halls or behind the bar. So the waiter could get the wrong bottle or the wrong vintage. For example, you pick a 2003 and he or she might bring a 2001, which could be more expensive. Also you might order a chateaux something something and they bring you a chateaux something something reserve. Checking the bottle makes sure you got what you ordered. Also if they bring something more expensive and you take it, they aren't going to be too impressed when you complain when the bill comes because you signed off on the bottle. I guess you can argue with the manager, but why go through the hassle and headache.

After you've made sure they've brought what you ordered, the waiter will open the bottle and pour you a little bit into a glass. They may also place the cork on the table. You should have a look at the cork to make sure its not in bad shape. If the cork's in bad shape, then the wine could be off, which is bad. But the definitive way of figuring out whether the wine is fine or not is to smell and taste it. Take the glass and move it around in little circles and lean over and smell the wine. Swirling the wine increases the surface contact of the wine with air and this releases the wine's bouquet. So what you want is to smell something nice. If you don't smell anything there could a problem (if they have proper glasses with a tulip shape you should be able to smell something, however if they give you a glass that doesn't have a tulip sheep and is really open at the top you have to much more careful because the smells might escape before you can sniff them). After you smell the wine you taste it. If you taste something like wet cardboard (or the smell of wet cardboard) then the wine is off. You then politely tell the waiter that the wine is off. The waiter (if he or she is experienced) will check it immediately and confirm this. If the waiter is basically some tool then my guess is that the chef or someone who knows what's going will taste the wine to confirm your impression. You should keep an eye on the waiter, if you're at a decent restaurant then the waiter probably knows what they are doing so they'll sniff the bottle when you're not looking or they think you're not looking. You can tell from their facial expression whether the wine is fine or not. This is a real issue. They say that at least one bottle per case is off. I think that the proportion of bottles that go back is much smaller than that. I sent a bottle back once at a dinner, and most of the people at the dinner remarked that was the first or second time they've seen that happen. I've been out for dinner when someone else has had the tasting responsibilities and they fucked up -- the wine was off but they either didn't know it was off or were to chicken to say anything. If you spend the money you want to drink something that's fine, not shit. Also if the wine is fine, you don't have to provide a description and say its jammy or whatever, just tell the waiter its fine and he or she will pour it out for everyone at the table.

If you find the whole idea of tasting the wine stressful when you go out for dinner then there are a few alternatives. First, you can just go for the house wine. The house wine is typically served in half- or full-litre flask which you don't taste. Second, if you're ordering a white wine from New Zealand, a lot of the wines from kiwi land (even the really good ones) come with twist off tops. With a screw off top there's no chance of the wine being off. So you can go through the whole ritual of tasting and not have to worry about making a mistake. Third, stay home.

Sparkling wines and champagne are slightly easier to spot if they're off. If when they pour the champagne/sparking wine out of the bottle it doesn't fizz (like something that's carbonated does) then the bottle is off. I went to some crappy tacky place on college that had a roman name (quo vadis or veni vidi vici, or some shit like that) where we had to go through three bottles of sparkling wine until we got one that was fine.